poison

It had been days now since the drug had been removed. All of the emptiness and dissatisfaction she had once been hiding and even ignoring was now revealed for what it was. The poison had deeply penetrated her soul. She writhed in pain almost every night, and it was all she could do to not cry out. 

Slowly but surely the poison was working itself out of her system. It was being driven out, and now had no way to fight back, the source having already been cut off. But it was a slow process; and as the poison diminished, she felt a new kind of pain.

It was a pain that was accompanied with memories and reminders of what once was. It was the pain of letting go. Because unless she did that, she would never be made new. She would never rediscover herself. She would never take back what was lost. 

designed

SHE WAS DESIGNED to live in union with her Maker. This union does not negate who she is; it actually makes her more fully herself. When she tries to live independently of Him, she experiences emptiness and dissatisfaction. She may gain the whole world and yet lose everything that really counts.

She must find fulfillment through living close to her Maker, yielding to His purposes for her. Though He may lead her along paths that feel alien to her, she must trust that He knows what He is doing. If she follows Him wholeheartedly, she will discover facets of herself that were previously hidden. He knows her intimately - far better than she knows herself. 

In union with her Maker, she is complete. In closeness to her Maker, she is transformed more and more into the one He designed her to be. 

**Taken and paraphrased from the book Jesus Calling. 

didn't expect this

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

-Coldplay

independence

You need nothing from others, only God.

That's what they said to her. It had brought so much joy and pain to her spirit to hear that. She needed to be independent. 

Why was it so hard, then, to completely detach herself from the world around her, all the people, all the experiences, all the desires? What did this mean? That she no longer needed people?

Of course, she needed people. She simply needed nothing from people. 

This was a message He had etched in her from the beginning, but until now it had been hidden from her. The timing was... perfect. She hated to admit it, but this was exactly what she needed right now, to need nothing from people. 

You are the apple of my eye, He was saying to her. Only I can take care of you.

It couldn't be true. How could it? Her current desire was not for Him to be the only one to take care of her. She didn't want this independence. 

But this was her original design. 

silver silence

It was happening to her again. Her words were stuck in her head and the silence that was coming out was not golden. There were so many things she wanted to say, so many more questions she wanted to ask, but she held them inside. 

She couldn't tell if she was holding these thoughts back intentionally or because she was scared or if she simply didn't think the timing was right. She knew all of them needed to be expressed eventually. To him. She just didn't know how right now. 

For now, feeling safe was good enough. Feeling supported and loved was good enough. Conversation was good enough. But she knew the word enough wasn't going to hold for long. It was already coming a part at the seams. She could feel the pressure of the pending break.

And after everything finally broke free, she had no idea what would happen. How she would feel. What he would say. 

Would there just be more silence? 

connection

The stars had completely aligned with fate. She sat, in a perfect state of contentment, surrounded by love.

This was the meaning of friendship. This was the meaning of life. This was the inspiration everyone needed for the power to live each day of their lives. It came from this.

From moving forward.
From being bold.
From opening up.
From the raw experiences of life's inertia.

The best part was that it wasn't anything like she expected. In fact, it wasn't like anything anyone had ever told her. And it was because no one could explain this. One had to encounter it. 

The ironic thing about life, she realized, is that heavenly encounters only come after one has been through hell. There are people who remain in a state of mediocre existence, never falling hard enough to experience truth.

Truth only comes to those in need. Honesty is the only way to progress. Friendship and love are always worth the fight - and the surrender. She took all three of these by the hand and ran, completely and truly connected.  

inadequacy

Suddenly, she wasn't feeling very strong. She was wavering, depending on too many things. Independence had become the destination of the journey she was on. 

She looked out the window, through the glass, into the world beyond. This was still where she lived. This was still her life.

She let out a sharp sigh. It was time to meditate, relax, let go of all the...tension. Every day felt like another breath of release. Another step toward independence.