re-life

It felt like breathing, which gave her the impression that she wasn't really living before.

Everything was suddenly so natural, so vulnerable. Everything physical seemed to dissolve - it all crumbled around her, leaving only her heart completely exposed, screaming worlds she had never heard but always felt.

And then she was free.
All boldness released, all shame gone.

She opened her eyes. The world looked different. The sky looked brighter, the people a little less cruel.

And she wasn't standing alone

culture shock

This last summer, I traveled to the Philippines, where my mother's family lives. It was my first time to ever encounter the country that, though has been silent for the last 23 years, has represented half my heritage. My time in Cebu can only be described as three weeks of culture shock.

I'm a stranger, yet somehow you love me. I represent so many things your life is not, yet you represent half of my existence. In so many ways, on so many levels, I dominate you. But I'm subdued, almost comforted by your love. I can't even begin to comprehend our closeness.

I am torn between two things I can't define. Two forces? Two worlds? Two perspectives? Your world, your face, your language burns inside of me, a sensation I have never ever before experienced. I want to cry, to laugh, to scream; but everything is trapped by something that has fiercely taken hold of my heart.

Every word, every song, every sound, every rooster's crow adds to the pressure. What do you even see when you look at me? What do you even hear when I talk to you? What do you even think of the fact that I'm here? This is not my world, and you realize this, even more clearly than I do. You're watching me, catering to my movements, even sometimes laughing at me, but you love me. And I am here, pretending, making conversation, because somehow I love you, too.

This is the worst feeling in the world. My heart feels swollen. My mind feels heavy with thoughts and emotions. My body has never had more energy, and it seems to be the only thing that keeps me going in this world. My feet keep walking, without question, while my heart is screaming expressions of desperation and profanity and confusion.

You constantly ask if I am hungry or tired. Yet I have been eating and sleeping to the full MY WHOLE LIFE. Although I don't know how it is possible to accept this, I do.

The whole time, the poignant turn of events inside of me remains unknown to you, the one I seek to know, yet, at the same time, hide from.

animal

For a few hours, I was an animal. A beast. A domesticated pet turned wild. All control - no longer mine. I was no longer fit to survive. Without the help of my caretakers, I was helpless. Mumbling words. Blind to every movement that wasn't the stumbling motion of my body. I felt things, heard things, but all understanding was gone. I was the dog returning to its vomit. All human sensation was dead.

Sleep came easily enough, but when upon awaking, I was surrounded by disaster. The uncontrolled, unnatural occurrences of the night were suddenly like needles pressing in all sides. I had a soul. After all, I am a human.

And I will never dehumanize myself again.

know

Take off all my clothes (I want you to know me)
Beat me with the truth (I want to know you)

The truth of who I am
The truth of who you are

Expose the purest elements for what they are
Untouched and unscathed by the facades of humanity

Let's plunge into the depths
Soar into the heights
Holding hands
Like we know each other

Never let go, never

what happens last.

She began pondering all the last moments. The last time she said this. The last time she saw this. The last time she did that. The last time she said that. The last time she saw their faces.

This is where the cruelty and beauty of life merge. It's so cruel that those were the last moments. But it's so beautiful that they happened.

That they happened to her.

Suddenly, everything that ever happened to her felt heavy, pressing against her soul, stabbing the crevices of her mind, gripping her body like a vice. She couldn't breathe.

This is what happened last time.

Her eyes flew open when the shattering of a million pieces whispered in her ears. All the moments, everything that ever happened to her were there, in pieces, scattered on the ground. Then she saw it.

Every piece was the first word, first page, first chapter of another story. These were not last things.

And this wouldn't be the last time He would remind her of this.

new

She opened her eyes. The unfamiliar scent that greeted her nostrils reminded her of something she never experienced. Her body was surrounded by a silky residue that resembled the after breath of an exquisite dream. She didn't know where she was, but she new exactly what to do, where to go, what to say.

She began to move her limbs, gently brushing away the silk that departed with an encouraging whisper against her skin. The familiar was infused with a glow she did not recognize, an unexplainable light that now painted her whole world.

Her hands were empty. Her bag was unusually light. There was no urge to hurriedly sort through the daily crowdedness of her mind.

She saw all the faces. She heard all the voices. She remembered the last two months. She wanted to cry out, but he was already holding her hand. This is what new feels like.

All things had been made new.

She recalled a promise of an easy yoke and moved forward in joy, embracing her freedom to always walk in peace.

REACHing OUT

She was so nervous. Her mind had already been fed with so much falsity and death. Life was dwindling within her. She closed her eyes, ready to submit.

Then she felt something brush against the cavity of her mind. She was suddenly infused. She reached out. She reached across the table and touched his face. She had been so nervous up to this point. She had almost given up.

The face looked back and returned the gesture. The feeling in the room changed from a sun-heated cement wall to a snow-cooled mountain stream. The affect was refreshing.

The pieces of cement in her own heart melted.

She was alive again. She had reached out. The face across the table was beautiful, was radiating with a soul loved by Love.

She felt even more Love herself. As she reached up and took His hand, Love smiled.