cycle

She couldn't believe it.

This trap was so easy to fall into. The same emotions. The same words. The same routine. How could she have convinced herself this time felt different?

She wasn't sure if she was embarrassed or frustrated or jealous. It was too soon too tell.

She stepped back from the cliff and looked up at the sky. It's size overwhelmed her. She felt the indifference of the clouds.

She stood there in silence.

resolution::empowerment

Full of his mind. Full of his soul. Full of his heart for her, for him, for them.

She had never felt so filled.

She began wondering if she had been empty before, if she would never feel longing again.

The euphoria faded, but the resolve remained strong. In this resolve, she moved forward.

Her demeanor was sobering, but her heart was happy. The resolve satisfied her soul; she met peace.

Wall People

She hit a wall. Except it wasn't a wall - it was a person.

But she had hit a wall.

When she stepped back, she could see his face, hear his words, understand his emotions. But when she stepped forward, she hit a wall. There was a barrier, yet he was so transparent. There was no mystery to anything she saw in him.

She stepped back again, and this time saw him more distinctly, sensing physical features of his body, of his personality, of his mind. He was so beautiful.

Again, she went forward and hit a wall.

He spoke with her. They exchanged many words. Their exchanges were clear, humorous, and brief.

One day, someone gave her a picture. The picture was of herself.

She was also a wall.

FREEDOM: fear's greatest nemesis

She was experiencing a cliche, but in this case, it wasn't a cliche. It was real. And it was happening to her.

It was pure irony. She was epitomizing a moment she had once strived to never experience. The moment of the weak, pathetic, and powerless. Here she was, weak, pathetic, powerless and ready to spit at the freedom he was handing to her.

The worst part of all this was that this moment was a culmination of choices, choices she had made knowingly.

She felt like he hated her, as he nailed up the boards that forever barred them from each other, that cut her off from every emotional and physical connection they ever shared.

He hated her. Life was over.

The fear blinded her from being witness to one of man's greatest acts of love.

partial death: the non-peace of pessimism

She experienced a mix of feeling pensive and careless as she stepped across the threshold, observing the movement of her feet.

pensive: There are so many ways this could go. There are so many ways people are going to react. I need to choose my actions wisely.

careless: Why should it matter? This isn't even worth my time, energy, or thoughts. I'm just going to let it happen.

Feeling pensive, yet feeling careless.

Yet inside of her was a black knot. The negative energy emanating from this thing was growing and oozing with each new idea that fed her pessimism.

Pessimists are so hungry. Always wanting more, never satisfied. Contentment is a foreign concept. Years of the finest education couldn't teach the pessimist in the language of peace. Pessimism does not preach peace.

Soon she was wracked with anger and darkness against those around her. It swelled up around her and swallowed her soul.

She looked up. There were two faces in the distance, smiling. More people appeared at the top of the hill. Everyone looked happy. She was no longer swimming in pessimism. She found herself being lifted by something higher, something brighter, something that made her feel light inside.

The voices of joy turned the right corner of her mouth towards heaven.

simultaneous EMOTION and learning to DANCE them

She felt simultaneously disappointed and fulfilled. She didn't walk away empty-handed, yet she still found herself in a state of discontentment.

The breeze caressed her quivering soul. Soon she was being washed with rain.

This feeling was not foreign to her. She had experienced it before, had successfully ridden this wave. But here she was again, learning to dance the dance.

The dance between shattering and laughing.

The dance between crying and screaming.

The dance of two experiences that feel so close but never seem to touch. The collision just never comes.

It frustrated her but, at the same time, relieved her mind.

The sigh that escaped her throat was a mix of ecstasy and anger. The dance music caused her to shiver.

IMPATIENCE - the restless mind manifest

Impatience can be a bad thing, and it can also be a good sign. She experiences both.

The problems arrive in subtle packages. She can't tell if she's angry, nervous, or overstimulated. Impatience is so subtle.

It's bad when others around her feel the pressure and brunt of the moment she's creating within herself.

It's good when she sees the goal set so clearly before her that she can almost taste it. When she's standing on the thresh hold of accomplishment. When her dreams are about to come true.

The subtlety always takes her by surprise. She's learning the dance of delight and composure.