awe

It was hard for her to believe all the feeling he evoked by simply looking at her. She didn't understand how his words could penetrate her mind like music and how his presence could captivate her attention without suppression. She resisted giving it to him, her attention, that is. To encounter such a wholeness in another human being felt so... unbelievable. 

She felt like he saw her. 

She was in awe of him, his posture, what he offered to the world. She was in awe of his mind, his voice, his mirth. She was content watching from a distance, but fate brought him just a little closer. 

He was no distraction to her. She found this surprising, refreshing, different. She found herself more able than ever to set her focus on the task at hand. To live today. To be herself. This brought her relief. She was grateful for freedom. 

She shook free from her feelings and continued to dance.

two things

She felt the light and the warmth all around her. She felt love and more love every where she looked. Each facial gesture she offered was returned, and she was revived. Refreshed. She needed this. He gave her this.

She was so sublimely satisfied. She didn't need another day after a night like this. Who needs any more than the day they are already given, anyway? She soaked it all in, their words, their love, their laughter. And she was struck by two thoughts.

This was home.

Yet there was more to come.

She let the air shamelessly exit her lips in sighs of bliss. There was no shame here. It was so safe. And that's where they all took the biggest risk. Together.

Would they truly bask in one another's presence? Would they truly open themselves to that level of mutual understanding and trust?

She felt the light and the warmth all around her. She felt love and more love every where she looked. Each facial gesture she offered was returned, and she was revived. Refreshed. She needed this. He gave her this. 

They basked. 

And as they basked, the light and the warmth from the glasses, from the smoke, and from the laughter filled their souls. And in those moments of sublime satisfaction and relaxed happiness, they knew two things.

This was home. 

And there was more to come.

a look back :: June 21, 2009, June 23, 2009, July 2, 2009

This blog is taken from some journal entries I wrote over two years ago now, before I began my new life in Taipei, Taiwan. I was still living and working on the beach in Cannon Beach, Oregon.  

June 21, '09
Life is beginning to feel rushed and I don't like it. I need to create some more space for myself. I've had so many visitors the past few days. So many people. And now all my roommates are here.


I'm beginning to feel more and more confident in my singleness. Little things continue to confirm it every day. That I like. 


I move to Taiwan this next month. I need to go freak out somewhere. I think I just might go on a very long hike on Tuesday...



June 23, '09 
Sitting on Crescent Beach, with my back against a boulder, rock formations and the Pacific Ocean invading my line of sight. A boy a few yards ahead has been happily digging in sand, completely enjoying himself, as he constructs a hole he can fit in. Then he plops himself inside of it, wiggles his limbs about, and relaxes. This little boy is so content, having so much, doing what many people hope to do with life. Enjoy it.



Enjoy your life. Have a nice life. Enjoy the beach. Enjoy your day off. Enjoy the snow. Enjoy your meal. Enjoy.


I'm going somewhere across the ocean. That ocean. On the other side of the Pacific Ocean. My soul needs to settle into a physical home for a while. Maybe Taipei will be it. 


My mind is an ocean. The waves of my thoughts crash against the beach of action, where my thoughts try to reach me. The tide of discernment traps my conscience on coves and in caves, where I can't do anything but the right thing. It's terrible. It's beautiful. It's my mind. 


~

Sitting on a rock somewhere in Ecola State Park. A stream runs past me on the right, fading out into the ocean below. Seagulls relaxing on the ocean-soaked sand. Rock formations creating caves, crevices, cliffs all around. The ocean is stopped by nothing, groping at the limits of the tide. The wind caresses everything with her breath, infusing the air with freshness. 

I wandered away from the people, and this is where my feet brought me. It's beautiful. The scenery is singing a song that my soul will take with her the rest of my life. 


July 2, '09
As my departure comes closer, I don't know whether I should laugh or cry. I hate being the one leaving, but it's time. I really can't stay here, and Taiwan is calling my name. I don't even know why sometimes. 


I figured out what makes a man cry today. What makes any one cry, actually. God is in every Christian. So when we feel how huge is, something breaks. Shatters. And there is nothing that can stop the tears. 


Feeling God comes in many forms, at different times. It could be a smile, a word. It could be lonely, happy, on a hike or run. Anything. But it breaks you, and stops you in your tracks, and there's nothing you can do about it. 


Some people feel a darkness inside of them. Others a bright light. I want to feel the ocean inside of me, the pull of the tide, the crashing of waves. The rush of the current. 


I feel like I'm disappointing people right now. I feel like there is still unfinished business behind me. I feel like the only way to move on is to get the hell out of here. 
***

new, the sequel

Read the original blog post: new. 

She crossed over to the other side. She was so exhausted, but she breathed easily. Her vision was clear. There was no noise to terrorize her frail mind.

She was so weak before, so spent, so ready to break under all the weight the month had given her. She couldn't think, couldn't cry, couldn't dream. No one else could see the frailty of her condition, but she felt it. She expressed it in words she wrote down in secret. She sent letters across the ocean, in hopes of being reminded love was still there.

Then, before any more pressure could prick her breaking body, a flood of newness washed over her. An unexplainable resolve took hold of her heart and she was determined to move forward. But she would not move forward with the rest of the world.

No, her forward motion would follow the direction of hope. And change.

fortress

She didn't really know what was happening. Everything around her was shaking, all the walls were crumbling, but she remained, still standing. 

She didn't resist the cries for help and the reaching hands that groped her firm walls. To do so would be cruel. Instead she welcomed the masses and opened her doors and found herself filled with burden and misery. 

But she was a strong fortress, who remained standing during the storm, and within her walls tears somehow found relief. Within her walls, the tortured somehow found safety and comfort. 

Everything around her was laid waste. An empty and barren land returned her intense gaze. The horizon whispered for to come, come find peace. The weight within her held in her place. Or was she holding the weight in place, saving the already desolate landscape from a flood of destruction.

The beating against her walls was constant. Like a drum, reminding her of her strength. She was a fortress, and although everything else around her swayed, she stood still and unmoved. 

vision

New life, new dreams, new paths up ahead. New friends, new connections, new gardens of flower and color. So many things you have given me to see. I see so many things. I'm running ahead in my own dreams.

Nobody understands it, because nobody can see it.

Yet my vision will be their reality, and that is how I will spread life. How I will create life. 

past you

It's good, that you're becoming a thing of the past. That I can imagine all these skylines and rolling hills without your presence. That I no longer need the beauty of your existence to complete my own. This is what moving on feels like. 

I'm moving, because it's in my blood to be in motion. And when you stopped, I knew it was all over. I didn't want it to end, but it ended, whether I wanted it or not. Because I'm moving; I'm always moving. It's impossible for me to stop for anything, let alone anyone. 

I've already moved past so many of you in my life. I'm so tired of feeling needy simply because I wanted to need you. I didn't even need you.

So here I am, moving on, moving forward, moving past you. 

I can't stop for anyone that's not in my future, and you...

...you just stopped moving.

fair

IS everything really fair in love and war?

What's fair here right now? None of this feels fair.

She's stopped throwing stones, but now she wishes that one of them landed. That one of them broke him and everything about him, so he could stop hurting her.

She simply stands there now, standing there and waiting for...something.

She's hate admitting it, but she's waiting for him.

Why did she stop throwing stones? None of this is fair.

over

Over is such a complicated word sometimes, but all the meanings apply right now.

It's over, so now she needs to get over it. If she's honest with herself, she realizes there wasn't ever anything there - only what she put there. Only everything she built up in her mind.

And now it's over.

And everything that she put there is still in front of her.

So she needs to get over it.

What she doesn't understand is why she had to put all that there in the first place. Why she even built anything up in her mind. Why all of this had to happen again.

At least she's getting over it now. Better now than later. It's over now. That's easy enough to accept, generally speaking.

But the general public usually doesn't know anything.

defense

She was almost completely free of all limitation, and her heart was ready to fly; but it got too hard. Suddenly the clouds were gray, and the situation just became too dense - full of confusion and uncomfortable emotion. Everything she didn't ever want to experience again.

She started with one stone and then discovered she had thrown five. After the first one, it was just too easy. So she didn't stop, knowing the entire time this was not what she was supposed to be doing. She was only backing herself into the same corner she had finally grown brave enough to walk away from.

What was she doing? He wasn't a monster. She was just so scared of everything that had already happened to her. She wanted the confusion and uncomfortable emotion to go away, but she only made it worse.

And she didn't know how to stop.

Spirit

He is her imagination.

He is her creative voice.

He is the paintbrush that she picks up everyday to paint the picture he has placed in her heart.

He is the wind she feels on her face when she is completely enjoying life.

He's there when she drinks her cup of coffee in the morning, and tucks her in at night.

He is her inspiration.

He inspires her dreams.

He is the Spirit within her.

new year

This is her year. No one can take it from her. 

She stepped with unusual boldness into the angry current of the river in front of her. Why this river was destined to cut across her path was unbeknown to her. The thought of swimming, let alone wading, in its raging waters terrified her, yet her pace remained steady. 

She seemed to possess something now that she didn't possess before. This element remained unidentified, but it was incredibly alive and active. Alive and active within her. 

It is a new year. There is no more looking back for her. The only thing there is now is crossing this river. 

And so she stepped even deeper into its cold, moving waters.