poison

It had been days now since the drug had been removed. All of the emptiness and dissatisfaction she had once been hiding and even ignoring was now revealed for what it was. The poison had deeply penetrated her soul. She writhed in pain almost every night, and it was all she could do to not cry out. 

Slowly but surely the poison was working itself out of her system. It was being driven out, and now had no way to fight back, the source having already been cut off. But it was a slow process; and as the poison diminished, she felt a new kind of pain.

It was a pain that was accompanied with memories and reminders of what once was. It was the pain of letting go. Because unless she did that, she would never be made new. She would never rediscover herself. She would never take back what was lost. 

designed

SHE WAS DESIGNED to live in union with her Maker. This union does not negate who she is; it actually makes her more fully herself. When she tries to live independently of Him, she experiences emptiness and dissatisfaction. She may gain the whole world and yet lose everything that really counts.

She must find fulfillment through living close to her Maker, yielding to His purposes for her. Though He may lead her along paths that feel alien to her, she must trust that He knows what He is doing. If she follows Him wholeheartedly, she will discover facets of herself that were previously hidden. He knows her intimately - far better than she knows herself. 

In union with her Maker, she is complete. In closeness to her Maker, she is transformed more and more into the one He designed her to be. 

**Taken and paraphrased from the book Jesus Calling. 

didn't expect this

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start

-Coldplay

independence

You need nothing from others, only God.

That's what they said to her. It had brought so much joy and pain to her spirit to hear that. She needed to be independent. 

Why was it so hard, then, to completely detach herself from the world around her, all the people, all the experiences, all the desires? What did this mean? That she no longer needed people?

Of course, she needed people. She simply needed nothing from people. 

This was a message He had etched in her from the beginning, but until now it had been hidden from her. The timing was... perfect. She hated to admit it, but this was exactly what she needed right now, to need nothing from people. 

You are the apple of my eye, He was saying to her. Only I can take care of you.

It couldn't be true. How could it? Her current desire was not for Him to be the only one to take care of her. She didn't want this independence. 

But this was her original design. 

silver silence

It was happening to her again. Her words were stuck in her head and the silence that was coming out was not golden. There were so many things she wanted to say, so many more questions she wanted to ask, but she held them inside. 

She couldn't tell if she was holding these thoughts back intentionally or because she was scared or if she simply didn't think the timing was right. She knew all of them needed to be expressed eventually. To him. She just didn't know how right now. 

For now, feeling safe was good enough. Feeling supported and loved was good enough. Conversation was good enough. But she knew the word enough wasn't going to hold for long. It was already coming a part at the seams. She could feel the pressure of the pending break.

And after everything finally broke free, she had no idea what would happen. How she would feel. What he would say. 

Would there just be more silence? 

connection

The stars had completely aligned with fate. She sat, in a perfect state of contentment, surrounded by love.

This was the meaning of friendship. This was the meaning of life. This was the inspiration everyone needed for the power to live each day of their lives. It came from this.

From moving forward.
From being bold.
From opening up.
From the raw experiences of life's inertia.

The best part was that it wasn't anything like she expected. In fact, it wasn't like anything anyone had ever told her. And it was because no one could explain this. One had to encounter it. 

The ironic thing about life, she realized, is that heavenly encounters only come after one has been through hell. There are people who remain in a state of mediocre existence, never falling hard enough to experience truth.

Truth only comes to those in need. Honesty is the only way to progress. Friendship and love are always worth the fight - and the surrender. She took all three of these by the hand and ran, completely and truly connected.  

inadequacy

Suddenly, she wasn't feeling very strong. She was wavering, depending on too many things. Independence had become the destination of the journey she was on. 

She looked out the window, through the glass, into the world beyond. This was still where she lived. This was still her life.

She let out a sharp sigh. It was time to meditate, relax, let go of all the...tension. Every day felt like another breath of release. Another step toward independence.  

tension

She had never fully experienced this before. Living in this tension, living with a constant complication ever before her. This was now her life.

She stopped walking and looked at earth below. She had ascended to quite the height in her trek. Being up this high helped her to forget. To forget...things. The snow-capped mountains were below her, the crashing waves of the ocean farther below them. 

The trail that began her descent was approaching. She could feel it. The time was coming again for her to descend. 

It was so funny, these simultaneous emotions of happiness and sadness. She could only be ever grateful that emotions were so fickle.

She closed her eyes. She felt crying again. But at the same time there were so many reasons to laugh. And to dance. 

closer

He drew her in. She came closer and closer. As the distance between Him and her decreased, the air around her grew warmer, brighter. She needed to close her eyes if she was to go on. And on she went, because she knew He would not hurt her.

Suddenly her face felt wet. As she brought her hands to her face, she realized she was crying. Why was she crying? She couldn't control it. She was no longer in control. The closer she came to Him, the more control she lost.

Then she began to feel pain. It started out like a burn, an extreme heat that was burning her skin. Yet the pain wasn't physical. She kept going. She felt her flesh, her muscle, her bone being burned away. There was nothing left.

She screamed. A powerful light was piercing her eyes, her soul, lighting up her entire being. Nothing was hidden. She saw Him. He saw her. Just as she thought she might run away, He picked her up, held her.

"I love you." And she knew she could trust Him.

passing through

She was passing through new worlds, yet at the same time they were all familiar. All of her experiences were new. Some of her moments were shared. Others solo. 

Her colors were changing. They always did when she passed through other worlds. Her experiences reminded of her long lost truth, of certainties she was no longer certain of. Reality was re-settling all around her. But it had been enhanced. Renewed. Broadened. 

As she passed through these new worlds, she was also exchanging pieces of herself for fresh knowledge. And although she would give some of herself up, she found that with each exchange, she grew. She grew in strength, in beauty, in compassion. Each exchange added to her life.

She could never control the speed at which she passed through. She only had two choices: to move or not move. It was always a waste of time when she tried to look back, because then she would miss what was right in front her. That's why these exchanges were so important. It was the only thing she could do, leave a piece of her heart with these people who were changing her life. 

She continued her journey. There were more worlds up ahead, and there was no way to know when it would all end. 

reruns... or not

She had been here before, hadn't she? Then why did it look so different? She couldn't recall any familiar impression, any familiar memory. She didn't even remember how she arrived and left the first time. 

It must not be the same place. It must not be the same place.

But if it was the same place, then the end would be in sight. Yet she didn't want this to end. She wanted to stay. She looked around for a place to sit. 

She could stay here, right? Because it wasn't the same place. It's not the same place. 

The other place was poison. The other place was a lie. The other place held on to her and when it finally spit her out, she tried to run away from everything. 

So where was she now? She hadn't found a place to sit yet. It began to scare her. Because she wanted to stay. She wanted to stay so badly. It wasn't the same place. This couldn't be the same place. 

Everything felt so different. 

unexpectations (the task, II)

The task was complete. It was behind her, just another piece of her history. And before her lied a completely unexpected journey.

In a sense, this had been where she was standing along. She had never really abandoned her initial position in life. Her position of love and peace and happiness. Though sometimes these things were clouded from her sight, they were always there. And here she was, again, realizing this was where she was meant to be. 

In a sense, she always knew that the journey before her was hers. Fate has a way of directing us and confirming our path, of dutifully reminding us our identities and showing us why they are beautiful. 

She didn't really know what to do now, and she didn't need to. The unexpectations of life said it all. 

the task

As she lay there, her eyes fighting against the debt of sleep that had been building for days, the last thing she wanted to do was speak what was on her mind. But speak she must, lest she be trapped forever. There was only freedom on the other side, and there was only one way to move forward.

She looked above her. She allowed her eyes to wander a bit, soaking in the worst possible scenes her imagination could produce. None of it mattered. None of it would change a thing. The reality remained that she must speak. 

Her eyes closed. Her breath let out one last heavy sigh as her body resigned to sleep. To rest. She had resolved to do the task. And to postpone it anymore at this point would only be a punishment to herself. 

your eyes

I look and I drown in your eyes

I try to swim

But the current is too strong

You're eyes have locked me into this death trap

Who are you?

Why do you look at me that way?

And what compels to look back

What keeps me from looking away

I feel my lungs begin to collapse

In a few seconds, i will feel no more

But in these last seconds

I remember your eyes

I remember that look that brought me here

To the end

In my last seconds I remember

I drowned in your eyes

pull back

And this is where she pulls back.

The sky is the only thing with no limit, and she is only human; so now she must pause. 

Her limit has been drawn. She has yet to reach it, but she sees it. Until then she exerts everything, all of her energy must be poured out, for the end is in sight. 

Reciprocation has ceased to matter. Expectations are deemed useless. In pessimism she finds a surprising strength: she won't be disappointed. 

And now she moves forward, the conclusion of the whole matter awarding her with freedom. She hates not knowing what comes next, but she's already come so far without the privilege of that knowledge. So it shall continue to be.

Everything feels subdued and peaceful right now. She doesn't not want to be disturbed. She needs no one to push her forward when she has decided to pull back.